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12 yrs of marriage, told her I was ready to call it quits. To me everything was only one sided and arguments ended with me changing and apologizing. Problems that existed in the beginning hadn't changed and I was ready for a change. My mind was, and still is, plagued with thoughts of myself not being good enough, something is wrong with me, why can't I do anything right, etc, etc. (Yes I have an anxiety and depression disorder) So, yea I finally in my mind made the decision to leave. However having 12yrs of stuff and a house and dogs make it really difficult in my mind. I'm already dealing with enough already. For some people, is easier to stay and work at it than part.
So I changed myself. Stopped asking myself whats wrong with me to make this happen and decided that maybe someone else can make me happy. That being me first. I was doing what I wanted to do. Going out and enjoying my life instead of just sitting at home all day. I was ready to do things by myself. It seemed like everything I wanted to do was too much of a chore almost. I'm talking walking on the beach, being romantic more, date nights, going on adventures more, etc. We don't have kids so there really is no excuse that we're not living our lives to the fullest.
Well I told her this. I told her everything that was troubling me. I'm not going to get into details. I cried. Like a baby. It tore me apart inside to make that decision and to tell her felt like I betrayed the one person I'm not supposed to.
Things have actually kinda gotten better. I mean the physical portion is getting better, I'm still scared that things are going to end up the way they were. Emotionally I still have my walls up. I've never had walls up in my relationship, but now I do. I don't know, maybe I'm hoping for the best but protecting myself. I suppose I was done feeling like the problem. Like I'm the reason for the mess. The issues that weren't solved over all this time made it engrained in me to think that's my fault. When I made the decision to let it all go, some feelings left too. At times I feel connected again, but honestly I don't feel confident.
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